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Topic : Jokes

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21/10/2008 : 08:38:27      reply with quote

As somebody said to me on here I should lighten up laugh :D , so I thought it was about time we started a joke topic.....

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's Land Rover to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,
'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'


Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads.
First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping,
den Seamus parrotshooting.....
And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
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21/10/2008 : 13:16:25      reply with quote

laugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :D the olduns are the bestrazz :p
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21/10/2008 : 13:19:34      reply with quote

C' mon skippy you must know some..............
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21/10/2008 : 14:05:42      reply with quote

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at
the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we
are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me
Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from
the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army
waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still
on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000
since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still
on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and
packets of crisps, and we decided there is no bl**dy way we can feed
200,000 prisoners .'

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21/10/2008 : 14:24:32      reply with quote

Just to prove that they aren't all Irish jokes laugh :D

Cheltenham Races

> A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers,> went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'
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21/10/2008 : 14:31:07      reply with quote

only rude ones i cant remember the clean oneswink ;)
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21/10/2008 : 14:37:26      reply with quote

Trying to keep mine reasonably clean, don't want Peter to slap my legs!
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21/10/2008 : 14:55:15      reply with quote

Now, a nice local one.............

A man owned a small farm in Silsden.
The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,'replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer
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21/10/2008 : 15:17:48      reply with quote

now who drinks whisky hmmmlaugh :D
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22/10/2008 : 21:23:59      reply with quote

now heres a good joke who is floydlaugh :Dlaugh :D me now thinks alan and his whiskylaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Drazz :p
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23/10/2008 : 18:31:18      reply with quote

a man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm , and says to the barman a pint please and one for the roadlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :D
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23/10/2008 : 21:49:53      reply with quote

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24/10/2008 : 10:25:31      reply with quote

Young Paddy, moved to Roscommon and bought a
Donkey from a farmer for 100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, butI have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well,then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said,'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Paddy said,'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked,'What are ya gonna do with him?
Paddy said,'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said,'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Paddy said,'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with
Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said,'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two euro's a piece and made
a profit of 898.00.'

The farmer said,'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said,'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two euro's back.'

Paddy now works for the Irish Government
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24/10/2008 : 16:15:04      reply with quote

laugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :D
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25/10/2008 : 20:32:12      reply with quote

mary had a little lamb....she carried it in a bucket....and every time the lamb got out.... the bulldog used to "put it back in again"
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28/10/2008 : 02:11:11      reply with quote


Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?

A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A. A different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?

A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A. A speech impediment

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?

A. They're hiring

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?

A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???

A. A northern fairytale begins, 'Once upon a time...' and a southern fairy tale begins, 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'!

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
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28/10/2008 : 02:12:55      reply with quote

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers,

'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds,

'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!'
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02/11/2008 : 13:30:13      reply with quote

2008's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
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02/11/2008 : 16:26:07      reply with quote

no more christmas ones please till 24th of decemberlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :D bahh humbugrazz :p
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02/11/2008 : 20:46:27      reply with quote

Ok not stictly a joke but i thought it was very funny and any man who says he didn't check his thumb is telling porkies....

Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.
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02/11/2008 : 21:04:40      reply with quote

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '
laugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :D
solid wood flooring

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06/11/2008 : 13:35:54      reply with quote

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well.

The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired..'
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06/11/2008 : 14:27:29      reply with quote

A man is sat watching T.V when the missus smacks him round the head with a newspaper.
"whats that for?" asked the man.
"i've just found a piece of paper in your pocket with sexy sarah written on it!"
"oh that..." says the man "thats a horse i bet on today"
happy with the explaination, the woman leaves it at that.
the following night, while sat having his tea the wife hits him with a frying pan.
"....and what's that for?" asked the man.
and the wife replies.."your horse just phoned!!!"
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07/11/2008 : 22:12:57      reply with quote

Guess who's got babysitting duty tonight?

mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon sat round the beakfast table.......
daddy balloon say's "son, me and your mum are fed up with you coming into our bed every night, your a big balloon now and it has to stop"
the next night baby balloon can't resist, he sneaks into his parents bedroom and tries to squeeze in the middle of his mum and dad.......... ...... but he can't quite fit.
he decides to let a little air out of daddy balloon. He still can't quite fit in the middle.
He decides to let a little air out of mummy balloon.....but still he can't fit inbetween.
Finally as a last resort he let's a little air out of himself.
Perfect fit.
The next morning baby balloon awakes to find mummy and daddy balloon stood over him.
"son" says daddy balloon "we are very disappointed with you. You've let me down, you've let your mum down but worst of all...

.... you've let yourself down!
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07/11/2008 : 22:59:18      reply with quote

3 blonds walk into a bar.... you'd have thought atleast 1 of them would have seen it
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11/11/2008 : 13:54:03      reply with quote

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would walk home. On the way home he stopped by the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem, how to carry his entire purchase home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little ole' lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1903 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, " Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house... I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The little old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken uner each arm and carry the goose in the other hand."

"why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said,"Let's take a short cut and go down this alley.

We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I'm a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.

How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and have your way with me?"

The farmer said," Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens,and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, set the paint on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
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11/11/2008 : 14:53:21      reply with quote

laugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :Dlaugh :D well done alanwink ;)
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11/11/2008 : 19:22:38      reply with quote

One for the fishermen - wink ;)

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.' Laughing
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11/11/2008 : 21:00:51      reply with quote

i allready got onehappy :)
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11/11/2008 : 21:36:20      reply with quote

yup just shakes head n calls us childrenlaugh :D
which i guess is true
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14/11/2008 : 08:17:39      reply with quote

this post has been edited 1 time(s)

No money for a drink

A scruffy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it. " The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?

" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him 300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog and the stranger runs out of the bar.

The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for 300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist." .
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14/11/2008 : 13:12:37      reply with quote

Bran Flakes

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
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21/11/2008 : 16:57:27      reply with quote

Born in the 20's 30's 40's 50's 60's or 70's

1920s, 30s , 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses full of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese & tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took cadging lifts.As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
A trip to the coast on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the stream and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Kebabs.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and only opened for a few hours at weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner shop and buy fruit Spangles and some bangers to blow up frogs with.

We ate buns, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.No mobile phones & no one was able to reach us all day. And we were always O.K.

We would spend hours building our trolleys out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in streams with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on Sky, no video tape or DVD movies, no surround sound,no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter really!

We had air guns and catapults for our birthdays,

We drank milk laced with Strontium 90 from cows that had eaten grass covered in nuclear fallout from the atomic testing.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them from the street!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

Mum & dad didn't need Brandy, Whisky whatever when they came in from work!

Footy had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather straps and bulliesalways ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.They actually sided with the law!

Our parents got married before they had children and didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kylie' and 'Blade'

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learnedHOW TO
And YOU are one of them!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

PS -The big type is because your eyes are shot at your age
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hermione fraggle
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22/11/2008 : 09:02:34      reply with quote

this post has been edited 2 time(s)

Here's one for all you pet owners...

To be printed off and posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - pet nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by F1 and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's rear. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion pounds for university, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
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22/11/2008 : 20:47:29      reply with quote

I've heard that the gardener at the White house has been sacked the other day,
He went into work and asked where the Sp##e (Shovel) was.
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23/11/2008 : 13:20:03      reply with quote

Two monkeys in a bath one said oh oh oh ah ah ah the other said put some more cold water in then
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